


The Secret Reason Sherlock Prefers to Text

by wendymarlowe



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-05 00:38:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6682471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wendymarlowe/pseuds/wendymarlowe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I swear, you’ve got the most gorgeous bum. I can’t stop thinking about it. -J</p><p>ACK -J</p><p>DELETE THAT, SHERLOCK -J</p><p>THAT WAS NOT MEANT FOR YOU -J</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Secret Reason Sherlock Prefers to Text

I swear, you’ve got the most gorgeous bum. I can’t stop thinking about it. -J

ACK -J

DELETE THAT, SHERLOCK -J

THAT WAS NOT MEANT FOR YOU -J

 

**I don’t think I will. I like when you compliment me. -S**

**I want to keep this text to look at for when you’re mad at me for no reason and stop giving me compliments. -S**

 

SERIOUSLY THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR MARY -J

I DO *NOT* OGLE YOUR BUM -J

 

**You should, though -S**

**I have a marvelous bum -S**

***bum.jpg***

**I receive compliments on it regularly -S**

 

. . . -J

Did you just take a picture of your bum? -J

 

***bum2.jpg***

**Maybe. -S**

 

You are utterly ridiculous. And I’m supposed to be seeing patients. -J

 

Wait. That second one has a different background. -J

Do you keep pictures of your bum ON YOUR PHONE? Like, just in case anyone asks for one? -J

Because either you changed clothes and ran outside to get that second picture or you already had it saved. -J

I may have just misdiagnosed an old woman’s stomach pains because I was distracted by your bum. -J

NOT IN THAT WAY -J

 

**No need to be embarrassed, John. -S**

**Mary likes it too. -S**

**She looks when she thinks you won’t notice. -S**

 

Okay Sherlock, seriously -J

I’m at WORK -J

Please don’t send me pictures of any part of your anatomy while I’m at work -J

I will make an exception for “does this look bad enough I need the A&E” because my answer will almost always be YES -J

And I know you won’t go on your own if I don’t make you -J

 

**You started it -S**

 

Very mature. -J

Delete this whole conversation -J

 

**No. -S**

 

You’re a complete knob-end sometimes. -J

What do I have to do to get you to delete this? -J

Sherlock? -J

Please don’t be posting this on your blog -J

Or mine -J

 

**Not posting, just thinking -S**

**You realize you’re opening yourself up to a significant array of blackmail opportunities -S**

 

No I’m not, because I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP. -J

And I could just as easily embarrass you if I wanted to. -J

Maybe not AS easily, since you’ve got no sense of shame 95% of the time, but still. -J

I can be motivated if necessary -J

Delete the damn text and please pretend this whole thing never happened. -J

 

**Only if you send me a better one. -S**

 

. . . Like what? -J

 

**A rhapsodic ode to my magnificent bum. For me to reassure myself with when I’m here in this cold, dark flat all by myself now that you moved out. -S**

 

If I do, do you PROMISE to delete all reference to this text, from both your phone and your mind palace? -J

 

**I promise. -S**

 

Fine. -J

 

Sorry, had another patient -J

SHERLOCK, YOU HAVE THE MOST MAGNIFICENT BUM ON THIS SIDE OF THE POND

AND PROBABLY IN THE REST OF THE WORLD AS WELL

CRIMINALS SWOON BEFORE THE MIGHTY ARSE OF THE WORLD’S ONLY CONSULTING DETECTIVE

MANY A VIOLIN SOLO HAS PROBABLY BEEN WRITTEN IN ITS HONOR

PRESUMABLY BY ITS OWNER

IF YOUR BUM WERE A MURDER, IT WOULD BE A LOCKED DOOR MYSTERY INVOLVING TWO EXTRA LEFT FEET AND A MISSING RIGHT KNEECAP

OTHER BUMS QUAIL BEFORE IT

NOW DELETE MY DAMN TEXT

 

_I . . . assume I wasn’t the intended recipient of that, but that you’ll be stopping by Sherlock’s on your way home? - Mary <3_

 

I swear I am turning in this phone and replacing it with a tin can on a string. -J

**Author's Note:**

> So honestly, I spent 45 minutes trying to figure out how to google "Cumberbum" because I assumed of COURSE someone would have made a bunch of close-ups of it easily accessible online. Turns out it's surprisingly hard to find when not in .gif form. Also AO3 changes HTML *just* enough to drive me crazy so it's taken me longer to upload this than it did to write it. All of which means instead of actually linking images in here, y'all are going to just have to imagine. Sorry :-\ (No objections if anyone wants to link something in the comments, though . . .)


End file.
